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Thursday, March 26, 2009

This eating thing

Sooo you know how quite a few posts back I announced I was giving up dieting and learning to accept myself? Yeah, bad idea during tax season. Somehow in my mind, not dieting became license to binge. That is not what I intended, it was meant to develop a healthier relationship with food. I took it seriously and even started up a "feelings" blog to help me do this, which I would like to keep up with.

But like I said, bad idea during tax season. I need to remember not to start anything new during tax season.

At work we've had a resurgence of what someone accurately deemed "born-again nutritionists." They were the ones who you KNEW were dieting because they announced it and talked about it constantly, analzying what they ate and how much weight they had to lose. Keep in mind, I wouldn't consider any of them overweight to begin with, so it got pretty old for me. Couple that with the self-policing amongst them and I think that I began eating crap out of spite. As in, yeah look at you depriving yourself, but I get to eat whatever I want, neener neener! But of course, the scale is having the last laugh.

I don't know if I mentioned it here or in my other blog, but I've been dieting on and off for almost half my life and while I know deep inside it's hurting more than harming, I'm torn. I'm so used to it being in the background that to give it up would feel like something's missing. But on the other side of it, if I'm so used to it then why can't I just do it and follow through?

Someone whose opinion I value greatly regarding this journey suggested that maybe I do need to go back to dieting for a while, that it may be part of the process I'm undertaking to go back several times. And I'm strongly considering it.

My natural reaction is to go back to Weight Watchers, since I lost about 25 pounds on it about 7 years ago. I've of course gained it all back and then some but that's all my doing. I figure it worked before, so I'll do it again. And so I've dutifully gone back many times since then but can never regain the magic. I've never been able to get that freakin' 5 pound star they give out. I've come close, but I keep yo-yo-ing and then just give up. For some reason in my mind I can't commit. It's the same with other diets too -- eventually I feel like I don't like the rules and that I can't and won't go on.

This lack of commitment is a familiar thing for me. I start projects with gusto but never finish. I've started to write many stories but never finish. I started knitting projects, but they languish in a corner of the guest bedroom. I even started the 31-day yoga challenge out here in blogland earlier this month but only completed the first week.

It's like I have a mental block against success.

But that's not true either -- I studied for my CPA exam a few years back and passed it on the first try (shameless bragging). I made it a priority, giving up a social life to concentrate on this very important thing. So why is it I can't apply this dedication to my health?

Let me ask you -- how many times did it take before you were able to stick to it and find success? What was different for you this last time?

1 comment:

Beadie said...

You do have to do what you have to do. Do what makes you feel right and sane at the time. The key is figuring out what is triggering you to want to diet. It has taken me many attempts of dieting/not dieting to figure out that when my brain tells me it is time to diet that it means I need to regain control and start taking care of my needs better. Wanting a diet to fix it is really just counter productive in the long run but it takes time to get to where you know that.

Wanting to lose weight for the *right* reasons is OK and is actually good for you to be at a healthy weight but losing weight in hopes that it will fix all the other problems is where the trouble starts.

Hang in there and thanks for sharing so much of your journey with us.